Author: R.M. Carlson

Freelance writer, blogger, aspiring novelist. Former career as a college prof in finance. Encore career as freelance writer for a number of financial websites.
Posted in Fiction

I Can See for Miles…..Farther!

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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My name is Liz and I told my story here last fall in a story called I Can See for Miles. I didn’t use my name then because I was so humiliated and embarrassed. I can use my name now. Yes, I let someone humiliate me. Hurt me terribly. Embarrass me. Shatter my heart. It’s six months later now and I can tell a little more of my story. Some of it is so personal I can’t tell it all, but I can talk more about what happened to me. Maybe it will help someone else.

To put it simply, I got involved in a relationship with the wrong man. I didn’t know he was the wrong man. I had known him for more years than I want to think about and we had been involved on some level a number of times before last fall. It wasn’t a traditional relationship. Quite the opposite. But, it was a relationship that was important to me and I had every reason to think it was also important to him, including both his words and his actions. He was the love of my life……..I thought.

The truth of the matter is that I made a terrible mistake and a terrifically bad decision to get involved with this man – ever. From the first time many years ago. Why? Because he is a sociopath. Sociopaths are dangerous people and I found that out – in spades. He has some other issues besides the fact that he is a sociopath, but that is the issue most relevant to what happened to me with him. Normal people don’t do what he did. Not only men can be sociopaths. Women can be too. In my case, it was a man. Let me tell you what makes a sociopath who he is and why he is dangerous.

1. Sociopaths are charming and smooth. Dating a sociopath can be wonderful. They sweep you off your feet. Believe me, I was swept totally off my feet.

2. They have no regard for societal rules or norms. But, they are good at faking it. They are big time risk-takers.

3. They are also good at faking relationships. In fact, I did not ever, over many years, have an actual relationship with this man. It was fake. It was all fake. Sociopaths cannot have real relationships because they have no empathy. Perhaps that’s the reason this man had been married more than five times. The relationship was real to me because he was able to make it feel real to me, but it was never real. There was something about our relationship that he needed, that he gained.

4. Sociopaths are control freaks but you often don’t realize it because they are so good at it. I certainly didn’t realize it. He chooses to date or marry you because you meet a need, not because he loves you or even likes you.

5.  Sociopaths will treat you like a queen, until they are finished with you. You may have a thousand wonderful times with a sociopath. I certainly did. But, they will eventually throw you away like yesterday’s garbage. You will feel like yesterday’s garbage. 

6. In relationships, sociopaths are self-serving. A relationship to them is a means to an end. They want something – money, power, sex, amusement, something you can give them. When you quit being able to give it to them, they are gone.

7. A sociopath has three phases to his relationship. First is the assessment of the victim. Will she meet his needs. Second is when he is in the relationship and getting what he needs. He will fake love and romance but he feels nothing. Third is the abandonment stage. He leaves the other person when he has gotten what he wants. He has a desire to hurt that person and goes about the business of doing that.

8. A sociopath is very good at determining his partner’s weaknesses and using them against her.

9. Can a sociopath love? In a word, no. They love themselves, power, and manipulation. They love in an unemotional, uncaring manner, but the partner does not know it. But, the true, complex emotion of love. Absolutely not.

10. Can you love a sociopath? On that, I am an expert and the answer is yes, absolutely. That’s because you aren’t loving the real person, but a persona. You are treated so well and so intensely, that you can love a sociopath very intensely.

I think what is so important to me about these ten points about sociopaths is that I did love this man who was a sociopath and wasted many, many years of my life loving him. The second thing is that I was hurt deeply when the relationship ended, before I figured out that I had been involved with a man who was a sociopath. Third and most important is that sociopaths have a desire to hurt their former partner and they very methodically go about doing it. That is what makes a sociopath dangerous.

So why is this post entitled, “I Can See for Miles….Farther?” I will never totally recover from the hurt from this relationship, but I have discovered a new relationship!  I have met a wonderful man who is good to me. I’m a different, eccentric kind of girl and our relationship isn’t traditional either, but it is good. In fact, it is very very good. I’m happy and fulfilled in this relationship. I never thought that would happen for me again.

 

 

 

Posted in Flash Fiction

Friends

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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John decided to warm up while Carl and Scotty bought their train tickets. The train ran much later tonight, but they had to get their seats. They wanted to entertain the crowd and maybe make a little money while they waited. They had hours to play some of their music – classic British rock.

Carl’s fiancee was waiting on him at his Mum’s home in Scotland. The wedding was this weekend. John and Scotty were standing up with him. Carl was so excited he could hardly hold his guitar. A big party was planned after the wedding and John and Scotty were going to be the band.

Carl and Scotty came running out of the terminal.

“John,” they cried, “There are no tickets left for the train to Scotland. We’re on the waiting list.”

“Start playing,” John said. “We’ll make enough money to hire a car if we have to. Nothing will stop your wedding, Carl!”

 

Photo credit to Sunayana MoiPensieve

Posted in Non-fiction

Label

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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When I saw the prompt from the daily post today, I just had to write a short post about it because it is the word label. That word, in certain contexts, has always bothered me. Allow me to explain.

When children are growing up, they are often labeled. There are the cool kids. The poor kids. The rich kids. The label that other children attach to each other determines the way children are treated by other children. We all experience that in our first twelve years of school. Sometimes, those labels are painful and make for a hurtful experience for children in school. Labels may cause children to be bullied. In reality, these children may simply be introverts or extroverts. They may have problems at home. We, as parents, should teach our children not to label other children.

Attaching labels to people doesn’t stop when we grow up. For example, I’m told that I am eccentric, reserved, cool, conceited, a snob, and a few other labels. In reality, I’m just shy. An introvert who is probably a bit eccentric. The other labels that people have attached to me are hurtful and untrue. An introverted, shy person like myself is mistaken for an arrogant, conceited snob when only a few people really know me. Is that fair? I don’t think so.

Instead of attaching labels to people we don’t really know, we, in my opinion, should make an effort to get to know them. Then, there would be no need for labeling. We should teach our children to do the same. The world would be a kinder place.

Posted in #weekendcoffeeshare

#weekendcoffeeshare 03/18/2017

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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Stages in our Lives

Good morning and welcome to the #weekendcoffeeshare! It’s been cold this week, especially cold for mid-March. I have both Arabica and Robusta coffee for you today! Also decaf, of course. I have some special black tea, a flavored black currant tea and a darjeeling tea. So pour a cup of whatever you want and join me in my writing room!

I have something on my mind that I’ve been thinking a lot about. I’ve been thinking about the stages of our lives and how we pass those different stages. I’m thinking about this as I think I’ve entered a different stage in my life over the last few months. Have any of you ever been aware of entering a completely different stage in your life?

I’m not sure I know exactly what’s caused this…..what can I call it…..revelation to occur, but something has. I find myself wanting to change my life. Not completely change it. I will still be a writer. I will still value my friends. I will still, essentially, be me. But I don’t much like the current version of “me.” I’m tense, stressed, and under constant strain. I don’t have the life I want to have.

As many of you know, I’m going to be moving to Florida on a half-time basis and that is the only thing happening in my life that feels right to me. I feel the need to make a radical change in my life. Florida feels right. I don’t like the commercialized, touristy parts of Florida, but where I am going, it’s “old Florida.” What I want to do is sell my house in Kentucky, and soon, and move to Florida full time. I don’t want to waste any time doing it. The money from the house will be put in the bank. It will not be used to buy a comparable house.

Not only that, but I want to drastically downside. I’m not interested in “stuff” anymore. Almost out of the blue. By stuff, I mean the trappings of prosperity such as furniture, household goods, clothes, and such. Also housing arrangements. I want to live in something very small. I can’t take care of a large place anymore and just don’t want to. I have no interest in anything large. I want a small home, very small, with little in it. I want to be able to walk out my door and to the beach in the morning and not worry about my house or anything in it. I want to buy it with a very little bit of cash.

Have any of you ever felt like this? Am I losing my mind? 🙂

I’m going to accomplish this by first buying something a little larger than we already own in Florida. Not large. Still very small. Maybe under 800 square feet. I want minimalist furniture and little of it. This means selling almost everything I have, which is fine with me. I’ve lost any emotional attachment I had to it. I’ll have to have an antique dealer help me. Until I sell everything, it will be put in storage and sold from there.

I want to be free of the trappings of success and prosperity. I want to be just me, with my family and dog and cat and very little else. I love to write and will write my novel….and another after that….and another after that. I’ll keep up with my blog and write magazine articles. I”ll spend a lot of time enjoying myself on my island in Florida, hopefully entertaining friends occasionally.

Maybe the stress, strain, and worries…..and nightmares……will cease. I hope so.

So come with me on my journey to change my life. It should be interesting and will start very soon.

Thanks for coming to my #weekendcoffeeshare!

 

Posted in Challenges

The Trauma

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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Liz is over it now. The breakup of her relationship with the man who meant so much to her. She goes on with her life and is happy most days. She doesn’t even think of him. She thinks of the life she has ahead of her and all she has to look forward to. He flashes through her mind occasionally, but that doesn’t bother her much. He’s a stranger. A stranger in a tragedy that seems like it never happened. Often, she feels that must have just happened in her imagination. Until night time comes.

Liz has had other traumas in her life. She doesn’t remember them. She has no idea what they were except for one incident, but her doctor thinks there was more than the one incident. That something happened way back, maybe in her childhood that she has buried deeply. She hasn’t been able to sleep for a long time, not without medication. If she falls asleep without medication, the night terrors arrive.

After the breakup with this man, the night terrors got worse. A man became front and center in them. She isn’t sure if it is the man who hurt her so badly. She thinks it is.  Their breakup is not what hurt her. It was the way he let her go that was so painful. This trauma on top of the other traumas has caused the sleep medication not to work. She supposes she is going to have to revisit the doctor as she is once again going without sleep and remembering the terrible night terrors.

Sleep deprivation, along with the PTSD that Liza suffers from due to repeated trauma, can cause all kinds of problems. Even though Liz feels like she is over her breakup and over the other trauma in her life, she probably isn’t. She realizes that. Liz always laughs and says she is the queen of repression. That she can repress almost any memory and it does seem to be true. She tells her friends she has taken these painful memories and locked them in a little box she stores in her heart and head. Once they are put away, she goes on with her life. Don’t we all do that? Liz isn’t sure.

Recently, Liz has started to feel strain in other areas of her life and she isn’t coping with stress very well. She has found herself wondering if the memories she is repressing, and can’t remember if she tries, could be bothering her. The details of her most recent trauma, the relationship and breakup with the man, are even leaving her. How could she possibly forget that? But she is. But, the night terrors remain. Sleep is elusive. During the day, her coping mechanisms are failing.

What now?

 

 

Posted in Challenges

Three Things Thursday

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

Three Things Thursday, sponsored by NerdintheBrain , is a little challenge where we post three things that are making us smile this week. So here goes:

ONE

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This is a picture of Dolphins in Pine Island Sound, where we will be living six months out of the year. We’re preparing to move there and it is really hard work, but it will be so worth it! I can’t wait to live there, at least part-time! It makes me happy to think about it!

TWO

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Friends. Good friends make me happy! I feel so fortunate to have good friends! I have good friends that I can rely on and they can rely on me. I’m a lucky girl!

Three

Novel Reading Pages Table Book Wood

I’m writing a novel and it’s really going very well! I’m about 25,000 words in and almost ready to write a big scene to end the first third of the novel. It’s getting complicated and exciting. My novel is a psychological thriller. It makes me happy that it’s going so well!

Posted in Flash Fiction

The Great Escape

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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“What is it, Mama?” the boy asked as they walked down the sidewalk with the great wheel looming in front of them.

“We don’t know, son. Some say it’s our Great Escape to another world since we can’t drink our water here anymore. More people are sick from poisoning from pollution.”

The citizens were gathering around the wheel, which seemed to be slightly vibrating. Some were afraid. Most seemed relieved. They had received leaflets dropped from the sky.

“But where are we going?” the boy asked.

His mother told him she didn’t know. She hoped to a safe, clean place.

 

Photo credit to Jennifer Pendergast

Posted in Flash Fiction

The Moonshiners

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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“Barney, be quiet, for God’s sake. Don’t alert the whole county that we’re out here,” Lester whispered.

“I’m trying, Lester, but the leaves and limbs on this forest floor make noise when you walk on them.”

“The moonshine still is right over here, Barney. Behind the old car. Just stand right there.”

Lester grabs the something that turns out to be a camouflage tarp and pulls it loose. A moonshine still was under it. Barney got the supplies for the mash to make the ‘shine out of the truck and they went to work. A combination of water, cracked corn, sugar, and yeast. Lester told Barney to go on home.

Lester was serving as the guard of the still that night. Before Barney left, he got Lester’s guns out of the truck. A pistol and an automatic rifle, an AR-15. That should take care of snoops and lawmen.

Posted in Uncategorized

Song Lyric Sunday: Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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Time

The theme for today’s Song Lyric Sunday is time. I immediately thought of this song, “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In,” an old song from 1969, sung by The Fifth Dimension. It is about a the Age of Aquarius, a time of peace and love, the theme of the upcoming decade of peace and love. I thought of it for two reasons. I think we need to think of peace in this time of upheaval in the U.S. I also thought of it because it was part of the music of a time in my own life when I was trying to get past a painful event. This is one of my favorite all-time songs. Down deep, I’m still that hippie girl that loved everything about this time in America.

To Helen: I wish peace and love to you in this time in your life.

Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In
The 5th Dimension
Lyrics
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the mind’s true liberation
Aquarius
Aquarius
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius
Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in
Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in
Let the… Full lyrics on Google Play Music

Posted in Challenges

#SoCS -3/11/2017

Posted on by R.M. Carlson

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A lot on my mind today, though I won’t write about all of it. Too much. Still getting ready for our move to the Southwest Gulf Coast of Florida. We’ll live there six months of the year and at our home in Kentucky the other six months. I’d rather be in Florida! It’s hard to live in two places and harder still to pack up about one-third of my house to make this move in late March. Time is short. I only have about two weeks until it’s time to leave.

We have a very small place in Florida. Really it is just a base camp until we find a house to live in. It’s enough for now. It has virtually no storage and very little closet space so I’m going crazy figuring out what to take with us. Anything we take, we leave as we will go back in the winter for our first six month stay. We won’t start looking for a house immediately. We want to spend several six month time periods there to see how we like it on a long term basis and through several seasons.

I’ve been under so much strain that I’ve been grinding my teeth in my sleep and have developed TMJ! M;y dentist is making me a mouth guard that I have to wear when I’m sleeping. Isn’t that crazy!? If we can ever get moved and get settled, it will be wonderful to live on our island on Florida’s Creative Coast.

I am managing to get in some writing. I probably shouldn’t be writing as much as I am. Writing soothes me and I do some of my best writing when under stress. Sometimes, when I’m writing, I’m thinking of how I should be packing boxes. I should write something about packing boxes! As I’m sure most of you know, moving is a huge job.

I guess we will sell our RV. We won’t need it now that we have a place to live in Southwest Florida. I am glad we’re going to sell it. I am not much of an RVer!

Something great has happened recently. I’ve been able to hook up with a good friend that I had lost touch with over the past couple of years. Wendy and I have been good friends for years now. We drifted apart for awhile, but she is back in my life and I couldn’t be happier. She is smart and funny and she makes me laugh. I’m so happy that she is back in my life and I hope she will now always be in my life!

Have a wonderful week!

#SoCS